I debated on writing this blog post,about grief and losing my brother. Then I thought about how many people have probably experienced the same thing. I originally intended for this to be my first blog of the new year, but I delayed. I found myself pushing it off, not because i didn’t want to write it, but because I didn’t know what to say and I wasn’t ready to relive it again.
I originally found it hard to stay active because I was dealing with my own health issues that ended in surgery on November of 2018. It was a major surgery that required me to stay with my sister because I was unable to do a lot for myself. About 3 weeks into my recovery I got a phone call from my older sister, but I was groggy from my pain meds and sleeping a lot then, so I turned the call off and rolled over. Then my phone started to vibrate and I thought I should see what it was about. The notification was just a message from my sister Shanna telling me that I needed to call her right away. I don’t even know what I was feeling when I struggled to sit up and call Shanna back, but it definitely wasn’t to hear my sister crying and telling me that Kenny was gone. My mind blanked and then I just remember crying hysterically after asking if she was sure. At some point my other sisters husband was alerted by my sobbing and woke Tiffany up. I had made my way blindly to the computer room and as Tiffany rushed into the room I just felt grief and relief that she was there. This became a whirl wind of crying,comfort and countless phone calls. We gathered the kids up and headed 2.5 hours home to be with our family.
Relatives came from out of town and we all crammed into my parents two bedroom trailer seeking comfort in our loved ones. The whole time was just a memory of blurred chaos. Of shock,grief,tears and denial. My father was a mess and my mother wasn’t much better. He swore he would die first before he ever buried another one of his children. My closest friends rallied around me in comfort with a flurry of texts and hugs. I had dealt with loss before, but nothing ever prepared me to lose my big brother. No more teasing, no more birthday texts where he would get my age wrong. He would no longer be there to celebrate holidays and he would never see me walk down the aisle. That alone was devastating to me because he promised that if anything happened to our dad that he would walk me down the aisle.
Over the next year I struggled with unrelenting grief and depression that I hid from my family. We had all lost someone so close to us and I didn’t feel right talking to my family about it, besides I couldn’t talk about him without crying. I knew that I COULD talk to them, but the mind isn’t always logical. It was a pretty dark year in my life and i just felt lost and shattered like I still couldn’t believe it was real. As the one year anniversary of his death came around I struggled, hard, but we made it through. Then the holidays hit and everyone was right, the first holiday is the worst. It wasn’t the same without him and I know we are all struggleing with his death, but I know he wouldn’t want us to linger. Some days are ok and others are bad, but i’m determined to carry on with my life even though a piece of my heart is missing.
My brother died on December 6,2018, he would have been 43 years old.
My brother Kenny was a good man, a great brother, an amazing son and husband, but also an awesome father. He will be forever missed, but never forgotten. I love you Kenny.
Luna Luvbook 